Our love story is simple. A typical boy next door (Rom-com if you will) with all the classic elements, girl and boy grow up together, can’t stand each other at first (middle school..ugh), develop a friendship and fall in love. To most its bla bla bla…but for us its pretty beautiful. I am happily married to my high school sweetheart (and next door neighbor) of whom I have been with for 23 years total (13 married)… The amount of assumptions that are made about our relationship are endless. The biggest question I always get is, why did you wait so long to get married? To put this timeline in perspective, we started dating in 1998 (freshmen in high school, 15 years old) and got married in 2009 (26 years old). We were babies, we couldn’t even drive a car yet when we got together!
I am always puzzled by that question. We never felt any pressure to take the plunge and when my husband proposed to me, although it was expected at some point, it was 100% a surprise and one of the most beautiful moments in my life (second only to my babies being born)! There was no timeline weighing us down, we were too busy finishing college and learning about who we were. It’s a funny thing when you literally grow up with someone. You see what they have been through and how far they have come. The good the bad and everything in between. People always assume it was way easier but let me assure you, as much as I love and respect this man, our early years were an uphill climb.
Neither one of us had any clue who we were at 15, 18, 23 and honestly at 39 we are still a work in progress. The societal timeline is crap and had we tied the knot at 22 years old, I don’t even want to think about what might have become of us. My husband is a planner, always has been and I on the other hand, am not. I’m more of the “let’s see where this day takes us” kind of person, especially in my early 20s. (That didn’t change till I had kids). While he was planning his life through careful, calculated decisions with stellar academic performance, I was drifting aimlessly through college trying to find the quickest way out possible. I preferred to work, it gave me purpose and made me feel older. When I am responsible for other people I am in my comfort zone and I own that responsibility. It’s just taken me awhile to understand how to be responsible for myself and what I need. Putting others first is an admiral quality but there is a line, a point in which you lose yourself, and once it is crossed, it is hard to come back from. My husband has seen me struggle with this through the years and has never been one of the people to take advantage of it. He is my anchor, the reason I was able to hover just above that line for so many years.
When we got engaged we were both in graduate programs. It was on our terms and we were engaged for 2 years as we finished college. Despite the length of time that we dated, we were one of the first couples in our circle to plan a wedding and it was exciting and fun. The proposal was amazing, it happened at the peak of Mount Washington after a long day hiking, and truly took my breath away! One time a friend asked me if I was upset that it took my husband so long to ask me, like to be sure I was “the one” and I honesty was taken back and a bit peeved. People see only what they want to see and their criticism is usually a reflection of something they see in themselves. The great thing about knowing someone so long is knowing how they approach and think about things. We had talked about the future plenty of times and it was always us together, it happened organically (I hate that word). Getting married was never the goal of our relationship, it was always just to be happy being together, to feel secure in the times that we weren’t and to trust that the other person has our back.
Our relationship unfolded in front of our friends through high school social gatherings (parties, dances, sporting events etc…) we had a shared group of friends and also some separate. That in itself is challenging, as you are developing feelings and learning how to be in a relationship in front of everyone. Luckily we were neighbors and had opportunities to spend quiet moments together during a time when your social circle dominated your free time. The real moments back then were spent playing basketball in the driveway and taking for countless hours about life. We became best friends first, we were unknowingly building the foundation that enabled us to withstand the challenges ahead of us, and the rest is history. It’s enabled us to hit a level of honesty with each other that is most of the time annoying but necessary.
I am not the person that people go to for advice on dating. I am fine with this. However, I have dated the same person for 23 years. A marriage license didn’t change that. Our priorities have shifted over the years but we have never stopped dating each other. That’s our time, that’s where we thrive. We have fun together, we check in with one another and find ourselves again. We plan, we talk about our kids and strategies on how we are going to tackle the upcoming week, and of course, we have a few drinks…(midlife dating: Where the to do list is endless and the hangover is relentless) We have great dates and sometimes we have bad dates. We laugh, we cry and sometimes, if we don’t have a sitter, we hide in our basement from the kids and have a beer and just breath for a minute. It varies and that’s what makes it so real. People often can’t see past the been together forever, high school sweetheart part of our story and that’s fine. People who are in long term relationships are judged just as harshly as those who date. Judgment is part of human nature and we all do it. Just don’t count us relationship lifers out, we carry the same struggles and triumphs just in a different form.
What is your love story!?!
Midlife Mama
The Midlife Mama 