I have been around kids my whole life. I have a younger sister and cousins, and I have been working with children for over 20 years! Every age from infancy to 12 years old, including coaching. I felt so prepared to have my own children and couldn’t wait to be a mom! My own mom is the strongest, kindest most amazing woman on the planet so I figure the apple can’t fall far from the tree…right? I had my first child at the age of 28, and my second at the age of 33. In my mind we were old enough to be responsible and young enough to keep up with them. I quickly realized that having your own kids is a completely different level of adulting, that I was in no way prepared for. (Cue bags under the eyes, and puke stains on your shoulders)
When we had our oldest daughter it was like time stopped and for the first week my husband and I just starred at her, we were teary eyed balls of mush, in total awe of this beautiful creature that we had created. I spent 6 days in the hospital following a c-section with complications and we were sleep deprived and more than ready to get our baby girl home and in a new routine. Fast forward to 5 years later when baby number 2 made her debut just as our oldest was becoming miss independent and none of the stuff we stressed about mattered that much anymore, we were armed with experience and ready! We put so much pressure on ourselves the first time around to be perfect parents, to raise a perfect tiny human and as I reflect back to that time, here is some advice…
Putting a new born on a schedule right away…
The first few weeks home is an adjustment period for everyone. It bothers me that we feel pressure to create that schedule right away. We are on leave for 6-8 weeks (or more) for a reason right? Much of this time is filled with visitors coming in and out, people telling you to sleep when the baby does but they don’t leave and you don’t sleep. You don’t sleep at night either, even if that beautiful little creature gives you a solid 4-5 hour stretch your parenting instincts have kicked in and you are up checking on them and worrying. You go from “I wish you would sleep” to “why are you sleeping so long?” When they wake up, even if your partner gets up with them, you are still up. Their eating schedule changes daily and if you are formula feeding, their formula could change multiple times as well. They are adjusting to life outside the confines of your tummy. Don’t put yourself through that! Just enjoy those first few weeks. They won’t be damaged for life if you snuggle them extra, and let them eat and sleep when they need to. That schedule will become important down the road, but we will talk about finding the right balance of consistency and structure another time! For now, just enjoy your little one!
All the baby gear (ugh)
After we had child number one we realized that the 4 page baby registry that we had created with such care and purpose had over taken our home. I can’t tell you how many useless baby items there are out there. You wont use half of it. The wipe warmer comes to mind. Is your thermostat set to 35 degrees? I mean really, how cold can those wipes be? And realistically, if you are putting your child into a childcare center at some point they wont use them anyways. It is one more thing to remember to store and fill on a weekly basis and trust me, you will have enough going on. My best advice for any new parent is to ask another mom or dad what their go to items are and go from there. Our most important baby item was the rock and play as it made both our girls a little more portable until they became more mobile and the Gerber brand burp cloths. You can never have enough burp cloths! Also register for gift cards, wipes and diapers (in every size). Your baby will out grow the clothing people get you before they have had a chance to wear it (most people don’t have the same taste as you either) and it is easier to have the gift cards on hand to get what you need. Diapers are costly and you can exchange the unopened boxes for different sizes as baby grows. When my friend had her second child I purchased 5 large boxes of diapers and 12 packages of wipes, and she was thrilled!
To breastfeed or not to breastfeed?
Breastfeeding is a commitment and I personally knew what my work schedule looked like, I was commuting 45 minutes each way at the time and knew that that was something that I would struggle to maintain down the road, after maternity leave was over. I am also fortunate to have a very hands on husband who alternated getting up with me at night and wanted to have all those moments with his little girl. Despite the crazy cost of formula, this just aligned better for us. I give so much credit to women who make this commitment and can make it work. I gave birth in a catholic hospital that encouraged breastfeeding. I felt a lot of pressure to do it even when I decided not to. I honestly believe that there is no wrong answer to this one. Do what works for you and your family. My kids are 10 and 5 and are healthy and thriving. There are challenges either way you just have to know what they are and be prepared to handle them.
ChildCare, full-time nanny, or stay at home mom?
This is solely based on your situation and don’t let anyone ever make you feel guilty about your choice! Do what aligns with your goals. If you were on your desired career path before you had your baby then continue to live out your dreams. Most childcare centers provide your child wonderful experiences to learn, socialize and grow with loving caregivers, just do your research and know that cost will be a factor. (Remember that the teachers there are caring for our most precious cargo, they become part of the family, treat them with respect!) The same can be said for hiring a full-time nanny as well. And if you have always dreamed of being a stay at home mom then by all means do it if you are able to! We are capable of having it all we just have to find the right balance and that can take some time. I think the important thing to realize is that we don’t always get it right, right away, and it is ok to change your mind! It takes a village!
The guilt and fear we have as parents never goes away. Every choice we make impacts our child in some way and it is impossible to get it 100% right. In all honesty my finely tuned birth plan flew out the window the second my blood pressure tanked in the delivery room… and as for baby number 2, my plan was pretty basic… just get her out safety!
Just do your best and enjoy every little moment, it goes by so quickly!
Stay tuned for more tips and tricks from the midlife mama!
I would love to hear from more mamas about your experiences!
Midlife Mama
The Midlife Mama 