Every relationship has its challenges. We are all human and when we choose to navigate this life with another person we commit to loving and supporting them through every high and every low. The days can be complicated and messy, ordinary and mundane, or filled with excitement and adventure. Through all the inconsistencies and unknowns that this life throws at us, our relationships are what anchor us to the ground and are the foundation in which we can tackle all of life’s challenges with support and confidence.
In the middle years, “the little things” have become a solid part of that foundation. As our relationships evolve, so do our careers and responsibilities, throw some kiddos into the mix and maybe a pet or 2 and you have just leveled up in the game of “adulting”. The same as children, in adulthood we thrive on routine. We plan our days ahead of time and when that alarm clock goes off each morning we hit the ground running, staying on the track and praying that life doesn’t throw a curve ball at us (it inevitably will). As we jump into each day it is easy for our relationships to take a back seat over the course of the week, and without “the little things” that anchor will slowly start to give way with each passing day.
“The little things” add up to a lot over time. Grand gestures are exciting but it is unrealistic to expect that your partner will maintain this on a daily basis and remember those grand gestures need to be reciprocated, it’s a 2-way street. After 24 years with my husband I can tell you that I value the small things far more than the big things.
Here are some of “the little things” that have become the the most valuable things in our relationship…
Space (to not be ok)
It is unrealistic for either one of us to expect the other to be happy or in a good mood all the time. Space is important, understanding that each one of us needs a minute to just be alone, to process our thoughts, to regulate our heavy feelings and big emotions by stepping away from the daily grind for a minute to breath. Picking up on those cues, understanding that it’s not all about you and picking up the slack for the other person while they take that time is critical. It’s a game changer and prevents some very unnecessary tension (level up with having a glass of wine or a beer ready when your partner gets back)! We don’t need to solve each others problems we just need the space and support to work through them. Over the course of the last 24 years this has been so important for both of us. Most of the time we work through the issue on our own, seeking advice or support from each other. Even if we know the other person is overreacting to something (usually me!) we have that space to lose it, get to the ah-ha moment, and reel it back in.
The Ability to Advocate for Ourselves
Be comfortable advocating for what you want or need and also asking questions to help figure out the best way to help the other person. “I need you to…”, “I’m not sure what I need!”…”How can I help you?”, “What can I do?”, “How can I make this easier for you?” Don’t assume what needs to be done (or in some cases doesn’t). We have to anticipate and make so many decisions in a day whether at work, for for the family, heck, even deciding what’s for dinner can seem like a daunting task. Sometimes we don’t want to burden each other because we are both stressed but at this point in the game, take the guess work out! Say what you need, don’t make the other person guess and feel comfortable asking when you just don’t know. Yes, we know each other well but assuming the other person will just know is a an extremely frustrating expectation! It just makes sense and is something we have always done. It is simple. Do we want our partner to anticipate our needs, sure to some extent, but let’s be real, that reality usually exists in movies and love songs. We’re too busy to guess and I’m perfectly happy to say what I need or ask him what he needs and move on.
The small gestures that make a big impact
For anybody who knows my husband, you know that he is not Mr. PDA. He’s quiet and observant in social situations, it’s who he is and we love him all the more for it. He does hold doors, carries heavy things (groceries, children etc…) offers me to go first, protects my purse (I tend to wander and be far to trusting of people when we’re out). Gives my hand a quick squeeze, and puts his hand on my back to let me know he’s there when something is uncomfortable. It just shows that he’s focused on me even when we’re out. He definitely has me beat in this department. Even at home, the kiss on the forehead before he leaves in the morning, the random dance in the kitchen (we listen to a lot of music) and the fact that he gets up at 4:30a to shovel the driveway so I don’t have to is priceless. He knows that I am willing to and have stepped in to do all these things when he can’t and he will tell you that it’s all worth it because he knows I appreciate it. I do little things for him to but it’s all relative to the day. Either way we are always appreciative.
Keep On Dating
This is my favorite and one that I feel is so important. Quality time that is dedicated to your relationship, sure you might spend the majority of it talking about how funny (or crazy) the kiddos are but that’s ok! You won’t be getting up every 15 minutes to take your mini to the bathroom, or fish a crayon out from under the table. This is your time to connect, to focus on each other. Go for drinks, dinner, bowling, mini golf or even catch a movie if you just need to tune everything out together. Dating is often where your journey began, where you discovered all the things you love (and don’t love) about your partner. Those little adventures you take together, keep your love and admiration of each other strong.
As time has passed these “little things” have become so important. We have arguments and disagreements, we bicker and are stubborn at times. We try not to go to bed angry but sometimes we do. Couples argue, it’s healthy and it’s honestly how we have lasted so long. The arguments lead to compromise and means that we are comfortable to say how we feel. However it’s that kiss on the forehead in the morning (even if we’re mad), the space to not be ok, the openness to advocate for ourselves, the adventures we go on, a mid-day text just to say hello, the many nicknames we call each other and the tons of small gestures that are engrained in our routine that are the reason we stay strongly anchored through life’s many challenges.
What “little things” do you appreciate the most!?!
Midlife Mama
The Midlife Mama 