A Little More About Me…

Do any of us really have our shit together?  This mama certainly does not!  On the outside, great husband, great kids, great house,  high stress job, you know, all the normalcy that comes with middle aged adulthood.  On the inside fear, doubt, disorganization, loss of self identity and utter exhaustion.  I am on the brink of 39 years old and feel like I am 80.  I feel like I have already earned my retirement and just want someone to dump me on a beach with bottomless margaritas and let the sun beat on me till there is nothing left.  Don’t worry, I love my life, this isn’t a cry for help but it definitely is a wake up call.  

 How did I get here?  Here’s a clue, all that shit they tell you about how important your choices are and blah blah blah…well newsflash! They are all true!  At the end of the day, the easy way doesn’t exist, your personal issues eventually catch up with you and life just continues to move ahead at lightning speed, with or without your approval.  I was beginning to feel like every choice I made was thrown out into the universe and spit back out in one seemingly endless disaster after another.  The more I tried the harder I would fall. Every now and then I get a minute to breath, maybe take a day off or go on an extravagant vacation, and then, like clockwork, disaster strikes and I’m back on the wheel again, running, falling, climbing and desperate for another break.  This is how I was living my life, break to break, (fueled by coffee and wine) until eventually I began to realize there were no more breaks.  That stressful job had taken over my life, and…are you ready for this…I had let it happen!  Not intentionally of course, but you see the thing about me is that I am an overthinking, people pleaser (sprinkled with a side of high functioning anxiety) who has a hard time saying NO.  I am a great problem solver (with other peoples problems) and work well under pressure (when I am forced to make a damn decision).  Great for any resume, right?!?

Don’t worry, I will not pressure you into buying some training program to manage your disfunction, I literally started making changes in my own life about a month ago and who knows they could all be wrong.  I do not claim to be an expert on anything and my purpose for sharing my story is just that, I want to share, to connect and relate to people.  Its lonely being in your own head all the time.  I love to write and I figured I would write about myself in hopes you can relate.  I am not a negative person, I am honestly the opposite, I look for the good in people and situations, I believe the “You got this” mantra, but still I am a worst case scenario person.  Those who know me can attest to that but I have always felt like it was easier to prepare for the worst, then feel that moment of relief when it doesn’t turn out as bad as you thought. (Psychology majors, any thoughts?)  I am addicted to that relief, some might compare it to a runners high, and if I ever start running I will let you know if that’s the case!  I know I am a mess, but who isn’t? Am I proud of this? No!  Am I proud of myself for finally calling out my own bull shit and dealing with my issues? Yes, I am!  Nobody is perfect and I know plenty of people, who would rather maintain the fake it to make it attitude than face their own BS. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are not the person that you present to the world ( via social media).  

Our stories make us who we are, the good and the bad! Combined, they merge into the most interesting and engaging story you will ever create. It is fluid, messy, honest and beautiful. I can’t wait to share my experiences in love and relationships, parenting, midlife struggles and more! Welcome to the Midlife Mama’s Not-So-Secret Diary! I am excited to share my story with you!