“Take a deep breath, and another and another…calm down, it’s fine, your fine, you got this.”~ Me to myself every single day
Overthinking is a curse. I used to think that as I got older all the “What if…?” scenarios that play on repeat in my head would stop. They haven’t and motherhood just pushed me up another level. At 39 I have finally accepted the fact that this is just who I am. It’s exhausting but I just can’t shut it off. As I am on this journey of becoming my best self, I am also learning that my best self comes with many flaws, many in which I have decided to just steer into and find ways to minimize the damage. I am beginning to understand some key factors in why I overthink and ways I can eliminate some of this exhausting process.
Control, Control, Control…
My overthinking stems from the fact that I am a control freak. I’ll admit it. Somewhere along the way I decided that if you want something done right, you do it yourself or micromanage the crap out of it. (One to many group project failures!) I worked in a leadership role for a long time and know that this is not the case, many people are far more capable than I. My process is to anticipate everything that could go wrong, (the “What if…?” playlist) get ahead of it, and fix all the potential issues before I even know what the actual problem is. Or control the desired outcome for something as simple as planning an event.
Trying to break this cycle is difficult because its engrained in who I am and how I think. The amount of time and energy that I have put into trying to control things that are beyond my control has come at a high price, and caused many sleepless nights. As part of this accepting who I am journey, I am finding new ways to evaluate my situations and allowing myself to be a control freak about things that I can actually control, and to let go of situations that I truly can not. In doing this, I am seeing them through a different lense and truly evaluating what is worth my time and energy. I ask myself “what can I do right now to change this?”, if there’s nothing I can do, I let it go. It’s hard to feel like your losing control but with more practice I’m finding that in most of these situations I had little control or none to begin with.
The “A” word: Anxiety
I have anxiety, we all do to some degree. That pounding headache when we’re overwhelmed, the pit in your stomach when your waiting for a response, or nervous foot tapping as you enter into an unknown situation. It’s the overthinking that drives it over the edge for me. The racing heart beat that keeps me up all night even when I’m exhausted. The short temper I get when my thoughts are racing and the inability to focus on anything else, until whatever triggered the overthinking is resolved. I have come to the conclusion that my overthinking causes the majority of my anxiety and I’m really not as anxious as I think I am. For the most part I manage it well on the outside, but man is it loud on the inside!
I am working on staying focused on the present, once my mind starts to wander, I am reminding myself the those thoughts are just that, thoughts , not facts, and any amount of time wasted on them will have no impact on the future. Wasting time replaying a conversation from 3 days ago or anticipating a conversation in the morning does nothing but create more problems in your mind, that don’t actually exist and takes away your ability to be in the moment.
The “What if…?” Playlist
The need for control and increased anxiety is coming directly from The “What if…?” Playlist, and it is the absolute worst! It’s like sitting in front of a speaker at a rave, you can still hear it 3 days later and your head is pounding.
Here are a few classics…
- “What if I’m wrong?”
- “What if they don’t show up?”
- “What if they don’t like me?”
- “What if I’m not good enough?”
- “What if I look stupid?”
- “What if they misunderstood me?”
- “What if my email was too harsh?”
- “What if my email wasn’t harsh enough?”
- “What if I’m not strong enough?”
- “What if I fail?”
…and some parenting classics…
- “What if I’m not doing enough?”
- “What if they don’t feel heard?”
- “What if they get made fun of?”
- “What if I’m not spending enough time with them?”
- “What if they realize I’m a mess?”
- “What if they can tell I can’t do 5th grade math?” (I’m just being real!)
It’s an endless rabbit hole of “What if’s…?”, of which some level is appropriate to ask yourself, but running through this list daily with every decision, call, text, email, encounter or event is exhausting. I am working on eliminating some of these questions from my playlist. I most likely won’t be able to get rid of all but if I can get rid of a few I’ll be in better shape.
I’m currently working on eliminating “What if they don’t like me?” This midlife mama hasn’t got time for that!
I’m sure there will be plenty more revelations shared on this journey. In the meantime feel free to share any strategies that are working for you!
Midlife Mama
The Midlife Mama 