Things to Let Go of in 2023

Hello friends, It has been awhile. It’s crazy that a year has come and gone. So much has changed yet so much has remained the same. As the New Year holiday approaches I have taken some time to reflect back on the reality of what this past year was vs what I had built it up to be in my head. What I found was this overwhelming pressure to change, to be better, to lose weight, to be more productive and more successful. To be the best mother, wife, daughter, friend, co-worker and basically human that one can possibly be. As happy as I have been with some changes that came about in 2022, I am left feeling equally as overwhelmed and failed at most things I had hoped to accomplish.

This year was far from a failure but for some reason feels so heavy. Like all the weight of the thousand promises I made to myself are crashing down all around me. The New Year is looming in the shadows and many of those promises or resolutions that I made for myself are still so far out of reach. What happened? We don’t necessarily plan to fail at things, what happens is that we too often commit to a cycle of bad habits that prevent us from living our best life. In many cases this is deeply rooted in who we are and how we view our world.

In 2023, if nothing else, I intend to break the cycle. I am letting go of the thousand unrealistic promises I make to myself each year. In 2023 I will commit to letting go of things that are weighing me down. Here are 6 things I am letting go of in 2023…

The Past

No amount of worry will change the future just like no amount of regret will change the past. What’s done is done. Put it behind you. Dwelling on what could have been, what you should have said and what you should have done will not change a damn thing. Accept the lesson, move on and don’t make the same mistake again. What worked for you 5 or even 1 year ago, might not work now. Everyday is a new opportunity to be and do something new. Stop living in the past and look towards the future.

Loyalty in Toxic Relationships

I can not stress this enough! Stop being so damn loyal to people who use you for their own benefit. It might take some time and distance to see it but if you are the only one putting in the effort then just stop. It hurts like hell but some relationships are just transactional and as much as you care sometimes other people don’t. Don’t expect people to have the same heart as you. These people are not always bad people, they just are not the one’s who are going to be there for the long haul. I love the quote “People aren’t against you they are for themselves” it is so true. We are often too quick to open up and share our struggles, thinking someones concern is genuine, and the sad reality is that some people use our struggle as ammunition to get what they want from us. Oh and on the flip side, don’t be the person who does this to others.

Worrying about the Opinions of Others

It is time to be one of those people who live their live bravely and unapologetically. Damn it, we are grown adults and it is time to stop trying to live up to this cookie cutter version of yourself to fit the mold of what others deem socially acceptable. At the end of the day, the decisions you make often have little impact on even the most harsh critic. There is a difference between those who care about you and those who judge you. Those who care see your potential, they are there through your struggle and they are your biggest cheerleaders. Those who judge do not have your best interest at heart. They are waiting for you to fail, waiting for you to show even a hint of vulnerability or regret in your life so they have something more to gossip about and distract themselves from their own struggles. Lastly and most honestly, most people don’t really think about us to the extent that we build it up in our minds. I’m not saying people don’t care, I just saying that they probably don’t care as much as we think they do!

Being Hyper Self-Critical

Life is too short! Regardless of what you think, you are amazing! Why do we continue to be our own worst critic? Most of us put unreasonable pressure on ourselves to look and act a certain way, and to live up to a certain timeline of accomplishments for ourselves and others. It is hard enough some days to just get through the day with the regular pressure of life. Everyday you make the decision to show up for yourself and everyday that might look a little different, and that is ok! Hit the snooze button and get that extra 15 minutes of sleep, put down the to do list and meet your mom for coffee, say “no” and stop stretching yourself to thin at work and in your relationships. Being flawed comes with the territory, it is true that nobody is perfect, so stop trying to be!

Self-Sabotage

Ok, I talk about this a lot because I am 100% guilty of it! What it really boils down to is that you are usually the only person standing in your way. Stop making excuses, taking on too much to avoid doing other things, diving into your work or other peoples problems to distract yourself from your own. The problem isn’t the goals you set, its that you are setting yourself up for failure by not facing who you are and what is reasonable for you and what it not.

Holding Grudges

I see myself as a pretty forgiving person. But have I really mastered forgiving people? No, I have mastered putting it out of my mind and pushing through then randomly losing sleep over it as those situations become part of a no sleep, all stress playlist set to shuffle. I replay the situation, get upset, create an imaginary dialogue in which I have some quick Vince Vaughn(ish) comeback that really put them into a state of shock and awe. Even though we’re not holding it outwardly against that person we are still carrying the hurt in our heart and overtime that festers and creates feeling of resentment and negativity. Whatever you need to do to get closure in these situations, do it. Stop letting things weight you down. The things that keep you up at night are a good place to start.

Bottom line, you can’t move forward and expect to be successful when you are lugging 10 tons of baggage around. Whatever that baggage might be, it’s time to let it go for 2023. Looking inward is tough but think about how much easier it will be to become your best self when you let go of those things that are weighing you down and taking a toll on both your mental and physical health.

What will you let go of in 2023?

Midlife Mama

Working to Overcome Self-Sabotage

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The middle years are filled with so many “ah ha” moments and lately I am finding it more and more difficult to commit to personal growth, and to break patterns of behavior, especially those embedded within my daily routines.  For many years of my adult life, I have functioned in survival mode, driven by stress, anxiety and guilt, constantly in a rush and unable to focus on one thing at a time.  Part of this is just who I am but none of this is because my life is super stressful, it’s not.  It is that overtime, I lost the control and balance between my personal and professional life.  My mindset never changed as I transitioned from one to the other, this carried on for years and resulted in me making choices to put myself last every day.  As this carried on, I found that I was doing well at work but struggling to be there for the people I care about most at home and neglecting what I needed for myself.  I finally hit my breaking point and here we are!   This is what got me to this place where I am experiencing an immediate need to find myself and go after what I truly want.   

As I am on this journey of reclaiming my power, committing more to self-care routines, and building a solid foundation in which I will spend the second act of my life, I am faced with the hard truth that each and every day I find ways to sabotage my own progress. Despite all the changes that I have made recently I am still finding it challenging to get myself out of this reactive mode that I have been operating under for years. As I am working to unravel this and get to the root cause of this self-sabotage, I am beginning to see that there are just certain patterns of behavior that I have yet to acknowledge and change.  

What is Self-Sabotage?

It is my belief that over the course of a person’s life, they will go through a period of time when they engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Our thoughts and emotions are powerful and no person is immune to self-sabotaging behaviors.  Self-Sabotage is behavior that is contradicting to what you are trying to accomplish and can be in the form of both voluntary and involuntary behaviors, decisions and actions. 

Some common behaviors include...

1. Procrastination:

Putting it off till later or tomorrow because we are afraid of failure, success and/or change.  Before you know it a month has gone by and you haven’t even got started.  Often, we make excuses as to why we can’t start and unfortunately either end up rushing, stressed and doing more work than we need to or throwing in the towel and quitting before we even begin.  When we are on the brink of a major life change there is often a level of discomfort that we find we are not ready to deal with and this is another reason that we procrastinate in these situations.  

2. Overthinking and anxiety in making decisions

Overthinking and anxiety go hand in hand.  It is one thing to make sound decisions that keep you moving forward but often times overthinking and anxiety create fear and doubt and cloud our ability to make even simple decisions leaving us stagnant in the process.  Perfectionism also plays a role in this. It stems from a fear of making a mistake and our fear of the way that others think about us which can have an impact on how and why we make decisions.

3. Self-Deprivation or Damaging inner voice

 Self-deprivation or negative self-talk can stem from experiences in both our adulthood and childhood which usually go hand in hand with a low overall self-esteem.   You might also be feeling guilty or embarrassed about being successful or failing.  Often times you might be feeling like you don’t deserve things and having low self-worth and confidence in yourself.  In many cases the opinions of others, or your perception of what other people think of you, is the driving force of your actions and more times than not, these are incorrect and throw us way off course.  This could include having a fear that people will not like or respect you if you change.

4. Avoiding or retreating behaviors

Instead of procrastinating we find ways to avoid moving forward altogether.  This can come from a fear of change, fear of not being in control, fear of failure and/or unhealthy coping mechanisms that we have developed overtime. This can also be in the form of making excuses or blaming others or situations for our inability to make progress. Avoidant behaviors can stem from other external factors like work and time restraints.  In some cases, we might take on more responsibilities in these areas or take on the problems of others to avoid dealing with our own.  

The list is endless and will vary person to person. Sometimes one behavior is more dominant and other times we feel helpless as we battle through multiple behaviors all at once. We often know that we are doing these things but we don’t understand why or how to stop it.  It changes our mood and leaves us feeling overwhelmed and agitated and we feel like we are just more of a mess than we actually are.  So the question is, what do we do about it?  We self-reflect, a lot!

Self-Reflection 

So how do we overcome self-sabotage and stay on course?  The answer to that question is going to come from you and only you.  If you are in fact the reason that you are not progressing towards your goals the first step it to own it and make a plan to change it.  Self-reflection is a hard but a necessary practice to incorporate into your life.  It is easier to place blame elsewhere and make excuses than it is to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and deal with your own issues. Self-reflection can help you identify your feelings and understand why you are self-sabotaging but if you make no effort to change then you will not evolve in the process.  It will take time and commitment but ultimately allow you to grow to your greatest potential.

Here are some first steps that you can take…

  1. Be honest with yourself: what is really holding you back? (Write it down!)
  2. Recognize patterns of behaviors that you often fall back on in similar situations. (Write it down!)
  3. Re-evaluate what is important to you. (Write it down!)
  4. Take responsibility for your own toxic behaviors and actions and come up with alternative strategies to avoid falling into similar routines. Stop making excuses! (Write it down!)
  5. Incorporate self-care and healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine to strengthen your self-worth and confidence. (Write it down!)

It is important to commit to self-reflection every day.  More importantly, it is important to understand that change doesn’t happen overnight, there will be setbacks and challenges ahead.  It is an ongoing commitment and self-sabotage is an issue that even the most successful, well-rounded, confident people in the world deal with. Write it down! Keep a journal and set goals to hold yourself accountable. Nobody is going to hold you accountable, this is something that only you can change. If you are making a conscious effort to recognize and are working to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, then you are heading in the right direction!

Were you honest with yourself today; what or WHO is really holding you back? 

Midlife Mama

“Slap-gate”: Enough is Enough

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Can we just stop for a minute. What are we really doing by obsessing about this? Lets stop using “slap-gate” as a distraction and taking sides on this situation and ignoring the fact that this is just one of the many incidences of violence that takes place in our communities every single day. Let’s not pretend to be shocked that it happens among the rich and famous as well. This is yet another example of a powerful, well liked man, who didn’t give a second thought to acting out on his frustrations in a violent way. Let’s stop giving more power to a man who chose violence over self-control.

I’ve seen insults thrown out at bars and backyard barbecues that we far worse and more emotionally charged that didn’t lead to a grown man hitting another. If Will Smith truly wanted to defend his wife he could have weilded his power in literally any other way. People would have listened. He had a global stage and opportunity to bring to light and educate people on his wife’s medical condition. Perhaps he could have done this during his speech where he tried but failed to take ownership of his actions. Or maybe he could have done this in a lengthy Instagram post, instead he issued a public apology and then rambled on about how he’s a “work in progress”. As if being a “work in progress” gives you some sort of excuse for your failure to control yourself.

On social media I have seen people getting into arguments with each other over the situation. More shockingly, I have seen grown women defending Will Smith because he was “defending” his woman. Ladies, I hate to break it to you but Will Smith was defending his own pride because a real man fights for his woman in so many other ways, that don’t result in violence. Will Smith is a man who chose to exercise his power in a violent way in a seemingly desperate attempt to prove to his wife that he is capable of protecting her.

Is this what we want to teach our children? Do we want to normalize violence as a means to a healthy relationship? Do we want to teach our children that it’s ok to throw a punch if our feelings are hurt, or we are defending someone else’s feelings? There is a huge difference in somebody hurting your feelings versus somebody coming at you in a manor in which you need to physically defend yourself. In this situation, this is what we should be teaching our children, the right and wrong way to handle situations like “slap-gate”. Over the course of their life, our kids will be presented with more situations in which their feelings are hurt or they are insulted in some way then they will be with incidences that lead to physical violence. As a parent, I want my children prepared for both and that’s the side of the argument that we have been talking about at home, that’s the side we all should be taking about at home.

Furthermore we should be talking more about Chris Rock’s very mature and controlled response to the “slap” heard around the world. He did not use his power and global platform to snap back at Smith. He took the high road because more violence only leads to more violence. We’ve seen this time and time again. Chris Rock is an example of breaking the cycle of violence, of not letting his pride get the best of him or feeling pressure to act like a “man”. He’s an example of taking the high road and not giving “slap-gate” any more power. He made a choice not to press charges, maybe because the slap was weak? Or maybe because he knows that Smith overreacted and people make mistakes, or maybe because despite the fact that Smith just opened the flood gates for idiot copycats to envoke violence on comedians, he knows that this is a no win situation and it’s better to move forward than look back.

At the end of the day, if my husband walked on stage and slapped Chris Rock he would have been arrested immediately. If my husband had punched a random guy in a bar maybe he would have been arrested, maybe he would have got out before the cops came but either way there would have been some immediate reaction to the situation. In this situation “Slap-gate” resulted in no reaction. Smith wasn’t removed from the arena, still won his award and was able to speak after assaulting Rock. He was allowed to “refuse” to leave and even got emotional support from his colleagues. For what? Because “love makes you do crazy things”? No Will, it doesn’t. An over inflated ego, entitlement, and lack of control is why you chose to react violently. Will Smith is a great actor and what we see in the months to follow might just be his best performance ever.

At the end of the day, the fact that we are arguing if this situation was appropriate or not, sheds light on the fact that many in our society put status above the law, and value violence as a form of heroism.

Midlife Mama

How much are you willing to invest in yourself?

A question that I have considered now more than ever in my life is “How much are you willing to invest in yourself?” It is not an easy question to answer. It would make sense that I would say 100% of everything I’ve got, but this has just not been my reality. Most days I feel like I missed my chance to invest in myself, to take a leap of faith and maybe take a risk and do something that I have never done. The more I think about it the more I realize that this is only the tip of the iceberg. The investments that I am referring to encompass every aspect of your life. We make both short and long term investments each day, with every choice we make. In some investments we sacrifice some sort of monetary or financial asset and with others those assets are in the form of our time, energy and effort. At the end of the day these low-risk daily investments we make can add up to a lot overtime and the hard truth is, that if we are not taking every opportunity to invest in ourselves we can expect to have a pretty underwhelming life ahead.

As I am approaching 40 I find myself in the ” it’s now or never” mentality. This is not because I am dreading turning 40, I am actually pretty excited about it. What they say is true, one decision can change your whole life. I have made some pretty big life decisions lately and I am excited to have the opportunity to course correct and spend the next 40 years living life on my terms. I have spent much of my adult life invested in others and by no means am I saying this in a negative way. I thrive on being there for other people. I love to support them and celebrate their successes. The issue is that this is what I have become, a supporting character in other peoples stories. It is time to focus on my own story. It has been writing itself for years now without my creative direction. The first act was great, no regrets, and it set the stage for a spectacular 2nd act in which I am whole heartedly investing in. “It’s now or never”, right?

Self-Reflection is a critical…

Fear, self-doubt, lack of motivation and money are just a few of the things that hold us back from investing in ourselves. Taking risks when you are in the middle years seems far more difficult than when you were in your mid 20s, with less responsibility and more free time. However through some honest self-reflection I have found this to not be entirely true. What is 100% true is the term, “You have spend money to make money”, and in this stage of my life I am a bit more financially stable and focused on what I want, then I was 15 years ago. It is the “it’s now or never” mindset that will break through the I “can’t” barriers. You have to take an honest look at yourself and acknowledge the place where that fear, self-doubt and lack of motivation is coming from and start there. In any investment you have to sacrifice some assets (time, energy, money…etc), to see any kind of reward or return. No growth comes without failure, we risk losing these assets when we make larger investments but we gain nothing by not trying. When dealing with self-doubt and lack of motivation it is critical to practice self-reflection to get to the root of why you don’t believe in yourself and what is really holding you back from working towards your goal. This all takes time and energy and without spending these assets you will see no gains in the future.

Breaking down the barriers…

The greatest barrier that you need to breakthrough is yourself. There are people who are given every opportunity and resource to chase their dreams and fail over and over again. They too suffer from all the reasons why we “can’t” it’s part of being human and nobody is immune to it. We have to stop telling ourselves that if we just had more assets (time, energy, money..etc) then we could easily make the proper investments in ourselves. The “it’s now or never” mindset is the absolute starting point for investing in yourself and overcoming this. Think about the people who have hit rock bottom, who have literally nothing and still manage to burst through the glass ceiling and grow to their greatest potential, turning fear and desperation into hope and fulfillment. In many of these stories these people had no choice but to take action and invest at the risk of losing it all. Many with no financial stability and resources, they just had to invest in themselves, to believe because the return on this investment was their life. The majority of us fall somewhere in the middle of all this. We are doing our best to juggle the day to day, and settling on our lives because it’s easier to dream than to invest. We have this mindset in which we believe that we need to save every ounce of our assets (time, energy, money…etc) and we do this and we are still rushing, tired and broke. Think of all the time we waste in a day trying to conserve our time, energy and money; at least if we’re going to be tired let’s be tired because we are working towards bettering ourselves.

Taking the first step…

How do we take the first step? This all depends on you and where you are in your life. I have spent many years of my life ignoring my dreams, not investing in myself and settling. Investing in myself is terrifying but as I am moving into the second act of my story, it is necessary. It sets the tone for the direction I want my life to take and most importantly enables my children to see me work to hit my greatest potential as they grow into theirs. They say that you should gravitate towards the things that you keep coming back to or that you day dream about. I love to write, it is cathartic medium for me to share my ideas and opinions. I gravitate towards quotes and song lyrics as I love being able to define and capture moments of my life with feelings and not just photographs and that is why this blog is something that I made a commitment to. I don’t know where it will lead but it is the first step in investing in myself and spending time and energy doing something I can learn and grow from. I have also become increasingly invested in my physical and mental health as these have both been put on the back burner in recent years. This goes beyond weight loss and managing anxiety. It is feeling confident to make decisions that are self-centered at times, it’s saying no to the people and things that don’t add value and positivity to my life and it is learning how to still be a supporting character in other people’s stories as I finally focus on my own.

So, “it’s now or never”; how much are you willing to invest in yourself?

Midlife Mama

Find Your Spark: Fill Your “Cup”

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“You can’t pour from an empty cup”, or so they say. There is some truth in this statement but in reality we pour from an empty “cup” more often than not. My “cup” has been empty for years, and the reality is that the only person who can fill it, is me. It’s taken me 39 years to accept the fact that I am the most important person that I can show up for each day.  I have to fill my “cup” and it’s the single most humbling revelation I’ve made. It literally encompasses everyone and everything that it is important in my life. I’ve been showing up and pouring from this empty “cup” for years and it impacts EVERYTHING!

I talk a lot about self-care because it’s a concept that up until a few months ago, was foreign to me. Filling this “cup” is an entirely different level of self-care and I am slowly peeling back the layers of what that entails. I have theories as to why I have been neglecting myself for so long and have believed most of them up to this point. In all of these scenarios, the major culprit is time and energy, there just never seems to be enough of either one. The truth is, we show up and make time for the things that are important to us and day after day I was making a choice to keep myself off that list. I had created a VIP list to my own party that included everyone around me but myself and I was measuring my success and self-worth solely on the the way my family and those that I work with/for see me. These opinions are important because these are the people I care about but I was not finding meaning and purpose in anything else. This affects your health, mood, perspective, parenting style, relationships and so much more. I am now certain that this sheer exhaustion that I am feeling is coming from the fact I do very little in the course of a day or week that lights a spark in me. 

Sure, we can get by with the bare necessities, food, water, sleep, and exercise (wine on the tough days). We can schedule hair and nail appointments and if we’re lucky, we get the occasional yet important, girl or boys night out. Despite all this, most days I am just filling my “cup” enough to get through the day to day. Adulting is exhausting and the majority of adults I know are tired and as we age it’s just not getting any easier. As I have transitioned through the various phase’s of my life (career, marriage, motherhood) I realized that I have left a piece of my former self at the beginning of each stage. Now I find myself on the brink of 40 with absolutely no idea of how to get those pieces back. They are still in there buried under years of neglect and excuses but there is still hope! Everyday is an opportunity to show up for ourselves, to discover what gives us that confidence to face the world and know exactly who we are!

I am envious of people who have not lost sight of what they are passionate about. My husband is a runner and he is passionate about competing. He has been competitive his whole life and has found a way to successfully incorporate that into his adulthood. He seamlessly transitioned from competing in various high school and college sports to running and found ways to keep competing beyond the typical arenas of the teenage and young adult years. He has had a few setbacks over the years but has always pushed forward with passion and commitment, he never talks about stopping, just adapting and continuing to evolve and grow. He doesn’t make excuses, he loves it and outside of our family and his career, it brings him joy and is a defining part of who he is. My father is a musician, he began playing in his youth and never stopped. He is in his late 60s and still practices and plays live every chance he gets. They have made a commitment to show up for themselves, to make time for what is important to them and are keeping their “cup” full beyond the daily routine.

Outside of the self-care practices I have recently incorporated into my routine, I am actively working on uncovering my passion and re-discovering the things in my life, outside of my family and career, that I am passionate about. Here is what I know for sure, I love to write, I love to help people and I do have a competitive fire in me. As I continue on this journey of becoming my best self, I started this blog to share my story, to navigate my way through this midlife dilemma and to hold myself accountable for the changes that I need to make in my life. Now the goal is to show up for myself and make time for the things that bring me joy so when I pour from that “cup” I not only have plenty to give but still some left for myself.

How are you keeping your “cup” full? How did you show up for yourself today? This will look different for everyone and I would love to hear your story!

Midlife Mama

The Underestimated Relationship Anchor: “The Little Things”

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Every relationship has its challenges. We are all human and when we choose to navigate this life with another person we commit to loving and supporting them through every high and every low. The days can be complicated and messy, ordinary and mundane, or filled with excitement and adventure.  Through all the inconsistencies and unknowns that this life throws at us, our relationships are what anchor us to the ground and are the foundation in which we can tackle all of life’s challenges with support and confidence. 

In the middle years, “the little things” have become a solid part of that foundation. As our relationships evolve, so do our careers and responsibilities, throw some kiddos into the mix and maybe a pet or 2 and you have just leveled up in the game of “adulting”.  The same as children, in adulthood we thrive on routine. We plan our days ahead of time and when that alarm clock goes off each morning we hit the ground running, staying on the track and praying that life doesn’t throw a curve ball at us (it inevitably will). As we jump into each day it is easy for our relationships to take a back seat over the course of the week, and without “the little things” that anchor will slowly start to give way with each passing day. 

“The little things” add up to a lot over time. Grand gestures are exciting but it is unrealistic to expect that your partner will maintain this on a daily basis and remember those grand gestures need to be reciprocated, it’s a 2-way street. After 24 years with my husband I can tell you that I value the small things far more than the big things. 

Here are some of “the little things” that have become the the most valuable things in our relationship…

Space (to not be ok)

It is unrealistic for either one of us to expect the other to be happy or in a good mood all the time. Space is important, understanding that each one of us needs a minute to just be alone, to process our thoughts, to regulate our heavy feelings and big emotions by stepping away from the daily grind for a minute to breath. Picking up on those cues, understanding that it’s not all about you and picking up the slack for the other person while they take that time is critical. It’s a game changer and prevents some very unnecessary tension (level up with having a glass of wine or a beer ready when your partner gets back)! We don’t need to solve each others problems we just need the space and support to work through them. Over the course of the last 24 years this has been so important for both of us. Most of the time we work through the issue on our own, seeking advice or support from each other. Even if we know the other person is overreacting to something (usually me!) we have that space to lose it, get to the ah-ha moment, and reel it back in.

The Ability to Advocate for Ourselves

Be comfortable advocating for what you want or need and also asking questions to help figure out the best way to help the other person.  “I need you to…”, “I’m not sure what I need!”…”How can I help you?”, “What can I do?”, “How can I make this easier for you?” Don’t assume what needs to be done (or in some cases doesn’t). We have to anticipate and make so many decisions in a day whether at work, for for the family, heck, even deciding what’s for dinner can seem like a daunting task. Sometimes we don’t want to burden each other because we are both stressed but at this point in the game, take the guess work out! Say what you need, don’t make the other person guess and feel comfortable asking when you just don’t know. Yes, we know each other well but assuming the other person will just know is a an extremely frustrating expectation! It just makes sense and is something we have always done. It is simple. Do we want our partner to anticipate our needs, sure to some extent, but let’s be real, that reality usually exists in movies and love songs. We’re too busy to guess and I’m perfectly happy to say what I need or ask him what he needs and move on. 

The small gestures that make a big impact 

For anybody who knows my husband, you know that he is not Mr. PDA. He’s quiet and observant in social situations, it’s who he is and we love him all the more for it. He does hold doors, carries heavy things (groceries, children etc…) offers me to go first, protects my purse (I tend to wander and be far to trusting of people when we’re out). Gives my hand a quick squeeze, and puts his hand on my back to let me know he’s there when something is uncomfortable. It just shows that he’s focused on me even when we’re out. He definitely has me beat in this department. Even at home, the kiss on the forehead before he leaves in the morning, the random dance in the kitchen (we listen to a lot of music) and the fact that he gets up at 4:30a to shovel the driveway so I don’t have to is priceless. He knows that I am willing to and have stepped in to do all these things when he can’t and he will tell you that it’s all worth it because he knows I appreciate it. I do little things for him to but it’s all relative to the day. Either way we are always appreciative.

Keep On Dating

This is my favorite and one that I feel is so important. Quality time that is dedicated to your relationship, sure you might spend the majority of it talking about how funny (or crazy) the kiddos are but that’s ok! You won’t be getting up every 15 minutes to take your mini to the bathroom, or fish a crayon out from under the table. This is your time to connect, to focus on each other. Go for drinks, dinner, bowling, mini golf or even catch a movie if you just need to tune everything out together. Dating is often where your journey began, where you discovered all the things you love (and don’t love) about your partner. Those little adventures you take together, keep your love and admiration of each other strong. 

As time has passed these “little things” have become so important. We have arguments and disagreements, we bicker and are stubborn at times. We try not to go to bed angry but sometimes we do. Couples argue, it’s healthy and it’s honestly how we have lasted so long. The arguments lead to compromise and means that we are comfortable to say how we feel. However it’s that kiss on the forehead in the morning (even if we’re mad), the space to not be ok, the openness to advocate for ourselves, the adventures we go on, a mid-day text just to say hello, the many nicknames we call each other and the tons of small gestures that are engrained in our routine that are the reason we stay strongly anchored through life’s many challenges. 

What “little things” do you appreciate the most!?!

Midlife Mama

3 ways to Improve your Mindset for the Week Ahead

It’s Sunday evening, you put the kids to bed, throw on some sweats (I’ve been in mine all day) pour a glass of wine and start to compile the mental to-do list for the week ahead. Staying on top of everyones schedules is a job in itself and add that to a full-time work schedule and the week is full and your feeling the grind before it has even started. Cue that second glass of wine and you’re inevitably going to be starting this hectic week with a hangover that will most likely be minor but still enough to make you extra grouchy on Monday morning. This has been my ritual for the last 12 years of my life. The good news is as I am working towards becoming my best self, I have found some practices to curb the “Sunday scaries” that include creating a more positive mindset as I approach the week ahead.

1. Make Time for a Fun Activity Mid-Week

We have to stop living for the weekends. We grind all week to enjoy 2 days off and the reality is, we are just wishing away our weekdays for the weekends. The weekends become a jam packed 2 days worth of errands, dinners, visits from family and friends, birthday parties etc…and before we know it, it’s over and we’re back on the hamster wheel again. Whether you have kids or not the weekdays are busy however making time for something special during the week can be a game changer. Plan a movie or game night, meet a gal pal for coffee before work or plan an early dinner date with your spouse or better yet, one of your kiddos (they will love this!). This will give you something to look forward to and offers a break in the routine. Imagine looking forward to a Tuesday or Wednesday!

2. Get into a Self-Care Routine

Exercise has become my go to stress for relief during the week. Aside from the obvious benefits of exercise, it also gives me a feeling of confidence and a much needed “me break”, it is the hour in the day that is all mine. I am not a runner but I am trying my best to be! I also enjoy kick boxing. My punching bag and gloves are one of the best gifts my husband ever got me, and I highly recommend it! There are tons of free kick boxing videos out there and honestly I just feel fierce as hell when I am done. Whatever routine you choose should be something that makes you feel calm, centered and confident. I feel like we spend most of our week so focused on work, kids, and keeping up with household items that it’s easy to forget to focus on ourselves.

3. Plan Ahead like a BOSS!

Anything that you can tackle, that will take you less than 5 minutes, just do it! Pay the bill online, finish your kids camp registration, and plan your meals out for the week. If you think of something that you need to do, write it down. Brain fog is a real thing and it tends to occur at the worst possible times. I have also made it my mission to stay ahead of ALL the deadlines in this stage of life. I used to let those deadlines creep up, I would procrastinate till the last possible second and all this did was make me feel stressed out and unorganized. Of course there will be times when you have to prioritize one thing over another, last minute things will come up and when they do you will be ready to handle it like a BOSS rather than feeling like you don’t have your shit together!

No matter what you have planned for the week ahead or what the week decides to throw at you (and sometimes it will throw a lot all at once), do your best to be flexible and stay positive! Tackle it like a BOSS, exercise gratitude and find joy in your daily routine. Our days won’t always go as planned but if we are focused on shifting our thoughts in a more positive direction we can make the most of everyday of the week!

Midlife Mama

“Girls Night”: The Self-Care routine we didn’t know we needed!

Photo by Kampus Production on Pexels.com

I am just going to come out and say it…Adulting can sometimes be the worst, parenting is hard, and we are all tired.  There is hardly enough time in the day to get everything on the to do list done. Throw in a child who forgot to tell you about an upcoming math test or a husband who lets you know last minute he needs you to whip up some amazing dish for a work party, and you pretty much have zero time to do much of anything.  I have said it a million times, “I LOVE my kids and I LOVE my husband”, but they are not the only people in my life who bring me joy.  My girlfriends are amazing and spending time with them is rejuvenating and helps to keep me centered.  Many of them knew me long before my I was married with kids, before my career, basically before the onset of middle age life. The friends we make later in life through work, marriage, and through our kids are amazing too and can become some of the best relationships that we have.  Sadly, the majority of those relationships often exist in the context in which they are developed and don’t often get the chance to grow to their greatest potential. The Middle-age hustle and bustle leaves little time for creating meaningful relationships as we did in our childhood. 

Whether you are married, single, kids, no kids, it is easy to lose yourself in the daily grind.  Those “Midlife Crisis” moments we have are the result of your brain and heart finally catching up with each other and saying “Hey, wait a minute, how did we get here?” That moment you look in the mirror and see a workaholic, cook, maid and chauffeur staring back at you and you realize that it’s been a month since you did anything for yourself.  Too busy, too tired, it’s too much! Where is the free-spirited energetic young woman who wanted to change the world, who didn’t take herself so seriously, who wasn’t too busy to chat on the phone, or too tired to stay up late!?! The people who know us best usually know how to bring out the best in us and this is why “Girls Night” is so important!  

“Girls Night” has been blown up in epic proportions on the big screen and although a night of such caliber would be amazing to experience, that’s not true to how it really plays out and honestly it doesn’t have to.  A night of partying and running around town sounds exhausting and not worth the 3-day hangover that is sure to follow.  The “Girls Night” I am referring to is a more low-key experience that is much more valuable and offers a measure of self-care that is truly being underutilized. 

Spending time with the people in your circle who expect nothing from you other than for you to be yourself, a person to share stories with, vent to and support you without judgement, is so valuable.  These events create opportunities for you to break the monotony of daily life and take a well-deserved time out.  Drink, eat, laugh, cry, dance, swear, do whatever makes you happy with no expectations.  If you can’t be yourself, then you’re not in the right circle.  Aside from your mom, nobody else will call you out on your bullshit like your best friends will and we need that too!  

As we get older these experiences become increasingly difficult to coordinate.  People are just busy and that is ok, you just have to get creative and most importantly stay in touch.  Even through our text group, I feel supported and I am able to have a good laugh pretty regularly. What is not ok is feeling like your trip to Target was a vacation because it was the only time you go a minute alone this week.  Or justifying not going out or making the effort to because you got your hair or nails done recently and it might be “too much”.  We need to get out of the mindset that it’s wrong to want to go out without your kids or spouse. Some distance is healthy and can help you reset and in turn, have better times together.  This applies to men too; men maintaining their relationships is just as important and should be supported.  

A successful “Girls Night” is what you make of the time you spend together. If you are looking to go out, you can do something as simple as meeting at restaurant or bar for some drinks, if someone in the group needs a heart to heart you can meet up for coffee or if you are looking for a night of fun and laughs, take a pole dancing class. Staying in is an option too! Host a themed dinner party in honor of one of your gal pals, or keep it low key with some beers around the fire pit. When you are surrounded by the right people it wont matter what you do.

Like I said, life gets busy and that is ok!  Once a month is reasonable and a good place to start!  If you are able to do more then go for it! Thankfully, apps like zoom enable us to include those who are far away and still get together in times when life really is that busy and we just can’t get out.  Put the kiddos to bed, grab a glass of wine and have a virtual “Girls Night” with your besties! Marriage, motherhood and careers are amazing, but it is easy to lose yourself in the shuffle if you don’t make time away from those areas of your life.  “Girls Night” is therapeutic, it is meaningful, and it is an important element of self-care that we should be making time for.

What was your best “Girls Night” ever!?!

Midlife Mama

Overthinking and The “What if…?” Playlist

“Take a deep breath, and another and another…calm down, it’s fine, your fine, you got this.”~ Me to myself every single day

Overthinking is a curse. I used to think that as I got older all the “What if…?” scenarios that play on repeat in my head would stop. They haven’t and motherhood just pushed me up another level. At 39 I have finally accepted the fact that this is just who I am. It’s exhausting but I just can’t shut it off. As I am on this journey of becoming my best self, I am also learning that my best self comes with many flaws, many in which I have decided to just steer into and find ways to minimize the damage. I am beginning to understand some key factors in why I overthink and ways I can eliminate some of this exhausting process.

Control, Control, Control…

My overthinking stems from the fact that I am a control freak. I’ll admit it. Somewhere along the way I decided that if you want something done right, you do it yourself or micromanage the crap out of it. (One to many group project failures!) I worked in a leadership role for a long time and know that this is not the case, many people are far more capable than I. My process is to anticipate everything that could go wrong, (the “What if…?” playlist) get ahead of it, and fix all the potential issues before I even know what the actual problem is. Or control the desired outcome for something as simple as planning an event.

Trying to break this cycle is difficult because its engrained in who I am and how I think. The amount of time and energy that I have put into trying to control things that are beyond my control has come at a high price, and caused many sleepless nights. As part of this accepting who I am journey, I am finding new ways to evaluate my situations and allowing myself to be a control freak about things that I can actually control, and to let go of situations that I truly can not. In doing this, I am seeing them through a different lense and truly evaluating what is worth my time and energy. I ask myself “what can I do right now to change this?”, if there’s nothing I can do, I let it go. It’s hard to feel like your losing control but with more practice I’m finding that in most of these situations I had little control or none to begin with.

The “A” word: Anxiety

I have anxiety, we all do to some degree. That pounding headache when we’re overwhelmed, the pit in your stomach when your waiting for a response, or nervous foot tapping as you enter into an unknown situation. It’s the overthinking that drives it over the edge for me. The racing heart beat that keeps me up all night even when I’m exhausted. The short temper I get when my thoughts are racing and the inability to focus on anything else, until whatever triggered the overthinking is resolved. I have come to the conclusion that my overthinking causes the majority of my anxiety and I’m really not as anxious as I think I am. For the most part I manage it well on the outside, but man is it loud on the inside!

I am working on staying focused on the present, once my mind starts to wander, I am reminding myself the those thoughts are just that, thoughts , not facts, and any amount of time wasted on them will have no impact on the future. Wasting time replaying a conversation from 3 days ago or anticipating a conversation in the morning does nothing but create more problems in your mind, that don’t actually exist and takes away your ability to be in the moment.

The “What if…?” Playlist

The need for control and increased anxiety is coming directly from The “What if…?” Playlist, and it is the absolute worst! It’s like sitting in front of a speaker at a rave, you can still hear it 3 days later and your head is pounding.

Here are a few classics…

  • “What if I’m wrong?”
  • “What if they don’t show up?”
  • “What if they don’t like me?”
  • “What if I’m not good enough?”
  • “What if I look stupid?”
  • “What if they misunderstood me?”
  • “What if my email was too harsh?”
  • “What if my email wasn’t harsh enough?”
  • “What if I’m not strong enough?”
  • “What if I fail?”

…and some parenting classics…

  • “What if I’m not doing enough?”
  • “What if they don’t feel heard?”
  • “What if they get made fun of?”
  • “What if I’m not spending enough time with them?”
  • “What if they realize I’m a mess?”
  • “What if they can tell I can’t do 5th grade math?” (I’m just being real!)

It’s an endless rabbit hole of “What if’s…?”, of which some level is appropriate to ask yourself, but running through this list daily with every decision, call, text, email, encounter or event is exhausting. I am working on eliminating some of these questions from my playlist. I most likely won’t be able to get rid of all but if I can get rid of a few I’ll be in better shape.

I’m currently working on eliminating “What if they don’t like me?” This midlife mama hasn’t got time for that!

I’m sure there will be plenty more revelations shared on this journey. In the meantime feel free to share any strategies that are working for you!

Midlife Mama

Opinion: Why “The Sandlot” is a thing of the Past…

HTM sports

“The Sandlot” came out in 1993, the movie (for those who don’t know) is a coming of age tale of a group of boys growing up in the 60’s, centered around a mutual love and respect for baseball. It highlights one summer, which was the best summer of their lives. I was 10 when this film came out and, despite being a girl, it became the anthem of my preteen years as much of the context of the film was still embedded in the late 80’s and early 90’s culture. We spent our summers outdoors, (watching MTV on rainy days and chatting on the house phone with our friends, thanks to advances in technology) getting into trouble, and having the time of our lives.

Fast forward to 2022…

“Why don’t you go outside and play?”

We ask our children this question in sheer exhaustion after we have spent a single endless morning entertaining them with cookie baking, stories, watching them perform a gymnastics or talent show, playing a board game with them, or feeling pressure to try and create some ridiculous DIY craft or take them on some planned hike or adventure. We give them some “screen time” just so we can take a break. Oh, and did I mention the 7000 snacks and glasses of water we provided at their request!?! This is how present day parents spend their days with their kids and it’s exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my kids, I am in the process of changing careers to do more of that but still, creating magical experiences for them every second of the day is a bit much! Also, just so we’re clear, I’m the reason they don’t go outside and play (at least not without me there). This ah ha moment is what got me thinking about why!

Fantasy vs Reality

“When I was your age my parents didn’t entertain me all day, I was outside playing, riding my bike, playing every sport imaginable with the kids in my neighborhood!”~My husband: every snow day and weekend, every sunny afternoon when the kids get home from school, basically every minute of every day!

{Panic}…this is what my kids feel, they have no clue what that means or how to react to it. “You mean you’re not coming outside with us?” Is their typical response, and of course we are, because, in my mind, the world is a terrible scary place, and the neighbor down the street might sue you if you are running through his yard. Besides, if we don’t, who will open the chalk bucket and get the basketball if it rolls into the street? They will be in an out 1000 times with 1000 requests and at that point it’s just easier to throw on some shades, grab a beer, ignore the house work, and go outside with them.

“The Sandlot” to them is a fantasy type movie that looks like the greatest childhood ever but not something that could ever be their reality. In the 80s and 90s we spent what felt like endless afternoons and summer days outside in the yard, in the neighbors yard, having a catch in the street, riding bikes, building forts, having camp outs and getting into all kinds of harmless mischief. (Of course after our chores were done) At our parents request, we dragged our younger siblings along for the ride. We had rules and boundaries, most of the time our parents were at work and we had to check in, it was not as carefree as the movie but it was still so different then what our kids know now.

My husband and I relate to the “The Sandlot” in so many ways. It’s one of our favorite movies to watch with our kids because its a welcome reminder of what the good old days were all about. Sadly, were one of the last generations to experience childhood at a fraction of this capacity.

The world was different. Parents had a normal level of fear and anxiety and it was relative to what was happening in society however the media was not in their face 24/7. News media outlets and social media wasn’t as accessible and flexible as technology has made it now. My 10 year old is begging me for an iPhone; I didn’t get my first phone until I was a freshmen in college (2001). I would borrow my dads flip phone if I was out at night to check in and that was it. I caved and got her an iPod, not as good as a phone but lets her communicate with her friends who have them. I am not judging believe me, its the new reality and I get it, but I am just not at the point where I trust my clumsy, forgetful child with a $1000 device. I will get there soon, middle school is right around the corner!

The world that my kids are growing up in is much scarier. Present day parenting has changed and we are scared to give up the little control we have of their safety. There has always been crime and violence and with technology at our fingertips, it is in our faces constantly. Thanks to the COVID Pandemic, for the last 2 years of their lives, our children have depended on tablets and chrome books for school, and to keep in touch with relatives and friends. Nowadays elementary age children have cell phones, FaceBook and Instagram pages and cyber bullying is a major threat that parents have to navigate and monitor. Violence among teens and adolescents is on the rise with mental health issues escalating at an alarming rate. Most parents are scared, well this mama is anyways!

The Neighborhood Then…

Growing up I lived in the same town but in 2 different houses. We moved from one neighborhood to another when I was going into middle school. This didn’t impact me much besides not having the same neighborhood friends, the school system was the same and honestly my new neighborhood was the same just different kids. Back then it felt like every house had a kid or 2 living in it. We would meet outside regularly to play. There was always that kid that planned everything, the kid that had all the sports equipment, the kid that was the leader, the kid who was always bored, and the kid whose mom was always home (or in my case, my dad worked nights so he was home during the day), the rest of us just fell into line and we all just figured out what to do to pass the time.

If we were playing any kind of sport one team wins and the other loses and if you lost it sucked but it motivated you to try harder in the next day. We didn’t go home and cry about it all day, we accepted it and moved on. We knew our limits for the most part. We watched out for each other, we didn’t talk to strangers and used our common sense when we were in situations that didn’t feel right. Having independence allows you to develop those senses. Sometimes bad things happened, that’s life, but most of the time we were fine.

The world was different. A lot of the same issues we have now were present back then but the people and mindset were different, we knew our neighbors for the most part and they knew the kids. Parents communicated with other parents and looked out for each other’s kids. It was normal to hear your doorbell ring or for your friends to call you on the landline.

We learned a lot from these experiences. We learned acceptance, we let our friends borrow stuff. We worked together to figure out how to get out of trouble when we accidentally hit a car or window with a baseball, or busted up our bikes. We made money by shoveling driveways on snow days. Most importantly we fought with each other, we had arguments, and disagreements and we figured out how to work it out. Our parents didn’t fight our battles for us (unless it was something major) and it made us stronger.

The Neighborhood Now…

My neighbors are great, the ones that I know. We have many kids in our neighborhood but they stay confined to their yards for the most part and are not usually outside without their parents. Nowadays play dates are carefully planned and curated into post worthy experiences for kids and parents to interact with each other. In all honesty, when my kids do go outside without me I’m a nervous wreck! I check the window or camera every couple minutes, and open a window so I can hear them. (I have read one to many stories on Facebook and they haunt me at night when I am trying to fall asleep.) Some neighbors never leave their house, they don’t even know who my kids are.

Honesty with the kids schedules there is little time for them to socialize as it is. We sign them up for sports, dance, gymnastics, etc…and we have to because those experiences just don’t exist organically anymore. When we were kids we would play in the neighborhood and on the town league then join the middle school or high school team and still have a shot to play in collage. These days, that is not enough. We have to sign our kids up for sports or whatever activity they are into at the age of 5, (having been already working on fine tuning their skills at the age of 2 ) and get them into a travel league by the age of 8, if we want them to have any chance of making it. It’s time consuming and exhausting and, in my opinion, has heavily contributed to the demise of “The Sandlot” era.

Looking Ahead…

Our kids socialize at school, on teams, with their cousins, and our best friends kids. They attend birthday parties and have a friend over once in awhile. It’s fine, but it’s just not the same and it never will be. Society has changed, parenting expectations have changed and this is just what the new normal is. My kids have a wonderful childhood it’s just different and someday they might argue that it was better, time will tell! For now we will just keep doing the best we can to keep our kids humble and safe while navigating the ever changing social climate were in.

Agree, disagree (Its ok, I know my opinion is just that, one person’s perspective), have something to add! I would love to gain new insight on this topic! Feel free to comment below!

Midlife Mama